Irony's a funny thing

Funny how much one year (or four) can make a difference in your life. Similarly to last year, around this time, I was also unemployed. However, this year I am not depressed nor unemployed with no income. This year I have intentions to better myself with the time I have off, use the UI benefits for savings and medical costs and try to get back to what I love. 

I used to write a lot. I used to go hiking, take walks and go to the ocean cliffs. I used to be social and go to social events, at times all by myself just for the hell of it. I also used to do yoga, regularly. After my Ex passed away from cancer I lost a part of myself. I stopped doing the things I enjoyed. I became very drepressed and antisocial. There were many times I remember thinking that being happy meant I was no longer morning his passing. I know now that's not true.

I started this off talking about one years difference, but really it's four for me. It's taken me four years to realize my depression was catastrophic to my well being. Four years to feel truly happy again. Not that I haven't been happy for four years, just not the kind of "happy" I now feel. The kind of happy that masquerades as contentment. Thank "god" for medicine! Funny how I try to do things the natural way for the most part but Lexapro ends up being my saving grace! Irony at its best I suppose my life is full of irony these days.

This isn't some rant or unthoughtful tangent. I'm just starting to feel so alive and ready to make big changes I haven't felt the courage to do in years. So this being unemployed thing actually, for once, feels like a blessing instead if a curse. I get to go to acupunture, see a chiropractor, get regular massages, take up yoga again, and hopefully get pregnant! That's the main goal but honestly it's so much more than that, it's getting back into balance with life and myself. I'm feeling excited about the future, my future...our future. I'm not religious but spiritual and yet ironically I feel like someone or something is guiding me. I could only hope it's my "guardian angel".